Thursday, June 1, 2017

Don't Forget to Miss Me



It was an odd phrase that caught my attention.  On a Sunday afternoon, several months ago, I was watching the latest episode of a Chinese drama about a teen, female martial artist.  I’d started the drama because it starred one of my favorite Korean actors as the coach, and kept going because not only was his character good but the camaraderie between the students of the central martial arts hall was beautiful.

In this particular episode, the FMC and the coach were in Japan for a competition and she’d just Skyped home to talk to her friends.  As they said goodbye, her best friend– a cute, petite girl in pigtails– hollered ‘don’t forget to miss me!’

The call ended and both sets of people went on with their day.  It wasn’t highlighted— it was almost a throw-away phrase— but it struck me strongly.

It can come across as clingy: 'she's only gone for a week, what's the big deal?  What a needy friend.’

I’ve struggled with this concept myself for months.  As a fiercely independent person, I loathe the idea of being clingy.  I often have trouble understanding the difference between being clingy and being dependent.  Even being attached to someone comes with a set of problems for me, because to be attached to the point of dependence on someone feels to me— initially— to be a sign of weakness.

I’ve spent hundreds of hours in conversation with my closest friends on this topic, ranging from as long ago as three years to as recently as earlier this week.  (100% honesty 24/7 is seriously recommended with your best friend/s, people, FYI, even if you want to protect them or think they're too stressed to handle it right then.)

You become friends with someone because you like them (usually).  The closer you grow to that person, the more they become a part of your life.  With your best friends— who should be a near-constant part of your life— you SHOULD miss them if they’re gone for a week.  The healthiest best friends want to share almost everything with each other: experiences, feelings, opinions, likes and dislikes.  The abnormal thing would be if your friend was gone for a week with minimal contact, someone you talk to every day of the week and with whom you share everything, and you DIDN’T miss them.

Being clingy is a problem, because clinginess is when you expect the other person to carry you all of the time and don’t work to stand on your own feet– instead of only leaning on a friend at times, and offering your shoulder for leaning in return.  Clinginess is when there isn’t a balance, when you convince yourself that you can’t get through a single day without constant contact with that person.

There’s a difference between clinginess and dependence.

Being DEPENDENT is not wrong.  One of the main purposes of a close relationship— whether platonic or romantic— is to help each other along the road called life, to be a travel buddy, a soul or heart partner.  This can’t happen if you’re not dependent.

And missing someone on whom you are dependent makes sense.  It's normal.  It's right.

I saw a pin the other night that explains it pretty well:
"It’s hard when you miss people.  But, you know, if you miss them it means you were lucky.  It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing." 
Nathan Scott
Specifically, this seems to be referring to people who are no longer in your life, but I think it can also be applied to temporary absences of friends.

Don't forget to miss your best friends.  Or any friends.  Missing someone is (usually) a sign of a healthy relationship.
 

2 comments:

  1. Methinks I've found another phrase to add to my Whacked-out Dictionary. :-D

    Excellent explanation of clinginess versus dependence. I often struggle with this issue--feeling like I'm a bad friend if I don't contact people regularly, yet afraid of "making a pest of myself."
    You hit it on the head: Balance is key. The trick is discerning when to "carry your own weight" and when to admit you can't do it alone and ask for help and support.

    Thanks for being my friend, dearie. :-D
    <3
    ~R~

    ReplyDelete
  2. A good look at dependent versus clingy. I totally agree with your definition. I've struggled with that feeling that it's a sign of weakness as well. But a healthy interdependent relationship really is about balance. :D

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